Insistent sounds, like broken glass in my ears, as I come back as though from a faraway place.
Focus.
Sobbing, wretched sobbing.
I don't remember how this came to be, at first. Then it all spirals in, like a whirlpool, into my conscious mind. His beautiful face, now almost unrecognisable, a landscape of anguish. And then I see it, the hideous red-brown stain on the sheets, a nauseating mixture of blood and fecal matter and ejaculate. It's emetic in itself, but when I realise I've done this, to him, to the one I purported to love more than anyone, it's all I can do to stop myself being physically sick.
I try to draw him close, to tell him I didn't mean it, I never wanted to hurt him, but he just screams and fights with all the strength left in his ravaged body to push me away, and I know there's no way this pain will ever leave him, he's damaged irreparably, irremediably, no remorse or apology, however abject, will ever make the slightest difference.
All because I wanted.
That's the consequence.
****
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Sammy
ReplyDeleteI think this demonstrates, even more than this evening's "Quinquagenarian" post, just how you're feeling right now.
I'm well aware that this is probably your worst nightmare. I also firmly believe that it's a thing you could not bring yourself to do, as proven by your own actions.
I hope you sleep well tonight, and find tomorrow better than today.
*hugs*
Mark
Living with the knowledge that you hurt him beyond measure.
ReplyDeleteThat's certainly a nightmare.
Hello Mark
ReplyDeleteWhat ended up in this post was probably only about 50% of what was in my head when the scenario first surfaced, as I was trying to get to sleep last night. It could actually have ended up being even more harrowing than it is. A reflection of a state of mind, yes, but also a reminder to myself that vigilance is the price of the freedom to live with myself in any realistic way.
Thank you for being a friend.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
Hello Micky
ReplyDeleteOnly a 'what-if', fortunately, but the fear is that one day my self-control could fail me.
That would be a nightmare, indeed.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B